I would like to start by saying today is a beautiful day in Raleigh, NC; however, that is a huge lie. We’ve had tornado warnings and on and off storms all day. Do you really think I’d be inside if it were pretty outside? Needless to say I am over the weather here lately and it affected my workday today. Now the electricity is out in my apartment, so what better to do then light candles, yell at my puppy for licking my arm too much, and write down random thoughts… that being said, this post isn’t generic- as usual, its all about me. Feel free to check out now if you would like.
Today I was on the phone with my counterpart for work and she was talking about how her pond was overflowing. Its crazy how an image like that can bring back so many memories. You know, how sometimes a song can bring you back to a time in life or a scent. There is a lotion that reminds me of when I was really young and used to put that lotion on in the green bathroom of my childhood home. The green bathroom memory brings back images of taking bubble baths with my sister and hiding in the shower when the babysitter would play hide and seek with my siblings and I. Every time I hear any Bethany Dillon song I remember moving to Mississippi when I was 11 years old.
Anyways, back to the pond overflowing flashback- it reminded me of my parents current home, and I then began thinking about how ill never live there again and that they are now people I will see a few times a year. I used to look out the window there all the time at the pond. I’ve always been an over thinker and I spent so much time in my childhood room- writing, reading, looking out the window, etc. It sounds dramatic, but I am dramatic- ha ha! That room was a safe haven for me and the last time I went home it almost made me uncomfortable because my life has changed so much but I am the same.
All of this randomness has a point. I can’t decide if I hate change or I hate growing up or if it is a mixture of the two. You see, I hated a lot about high school and college. I genuinely don’t like many people my age. I can pretend I know why but I don’t- my heart has rarely been in to those friendships. I always tried for a while to fit in but that always ended up backfiring and hurting me somehow. I couldn’t live in their moment.
One thing is for sure though- I absolutely adored my early childhood. Being homeschooled and having time to do extra reading, running outside, tree climbing, movie watching, bug catching, four-wheeler riding, being coached in sports by my dad… I loved all of it. My childhood was exceptionally family oriented though- I had many friends, but a majority of my time was spent with my family.
The reason I say I cant decide if its change or growing up is because I like aspects of my adult life, but I hate a great deal of it also. I like working, owning my own place, being self sufficient, and making my own decisions. My job makes me very happy and I feel a lot more fulfilled and challenged then when I was in a classroom with many non-motivated people who literally were so small minded a night at the local bar and coasting through life was all they needed to be happy (sorry… I get that’s offensive, but it is how I felt most of school). What I don’t like is how my relationships with everyone who has been important to me have had to change. I hate when close friends and family are now seriously dating and talking about getting engaged (and stuff- ugh NO no). I hate that people constantly ask me about dating- “Have you met anyone?!” “No, I have enough going on 🙂 thx for prying though…” . I hate how people at many of my offices think I am old enough to have children (are you freaking kidding me). I am still so young and that white picket fence love, children, family thing REALLY bothers me. It’s annoying to watch friends conform to that aspect of adulthood.
I’m one of the more adult people in my age group I can think of and I still cannot stop throwing fits about my friends and family changing. Its weird to me too because I am happyish, but I don’t know what I want anymore.
It’s a strange feeling being unsettled but I know I don’t want to live in Raleigh for more than 3 or so years- ill be on to somewhere I think could be better. I love, LOVE my job but do I see myself wanting to do that forever? Absolutely not- ill be on to something I think ill like better. For someone who hates change, I am always looking for it. The idea of settling on anything in life gives me anxiety, but I guess that doesn’t mean I don’t immensely miss the way things have been in the past, because I clearly do. I know that’s part of getting older, but it has personally seemed to be a larger battle for me than most people I know.
I will leave you with this… “Do my thang” by Miley Cyrus just randomly came on Spotify and it feels rather in sync with my mood lately. I might be a ahead of the game in many aspects of adulthood and probably a lot behind on other aspects, but I have become more secure in myself as a person the last 6 months then ever before. I can’t wait to get to that place where I really don’t care and I can fully accept my friends and family even when they are in different areas of adulthood than me, but for right now I am still the cocky, competitive, confrontational, workout addicted, immature yet way too serious girl I always have been from birth until now and I like it- its me. I don’t have to conform, and I am allowed to miss my friends and family the way they were in the past. I can miss all of that.